Help. I Don’t Lubricate During Sex….

I always stay dry down below which makes sex uncomfortable. My partner thinks there’s something wrong with me. I’ve suggested lubes but he seems to think that his foreplay techniques should be enough. What can I do to keep us both happy?

Sex between you and your boyfriend isn’t about his ego. I say that because from what you write, he seems more concerned with why oral technique isn’t enough to keep you lubricated, rather than focusing on the fact that because you’re not properly lubricated, sex is uncomfortable. Maybe I’m being a little harsh, it’s just that I’ve spoken to so many women who’ve just put up and shut up with this condition. They feel shame and perhaps like you, try to keep their partner happy. Seriously. Doing that even once, is one time too many.

Vaginal dryness can be caused by a variety of reasons. Certain medications can contribute, from the contraception you use, to antibiotics, anti-depressants or anti-histamines. Also, anxiety, stress, tiredness, and even overly exercising can play a big role. And of course how turned on you are at the time is a big factor. What I’m most interested in is how you both talk about sex. Can you say what feels good for you? Can you say what you like and don’t like? If you can’t, I wonder how relaxed you feel during sex? Are you having sex when you don’t always feel like it? The biggest sex organ you have is your brain, not your genitals, which means your vagina won’t receive the necessary messages to lubricate itself if you’re not comfortable and turned on.

Be honest with yourself. If you have concerns about your boyfriend’s approach to this, address it before getting into bed with him again. If you are sure he is a decent bloke, then he’ll show it by being patient. On your own, practise deep breathing exercises which will help to fully relax your muscles, including the ones around your genitals. Also get comfortable with your vagina by exploring it. Don’t be orgasm focused, but concentrate on touch. Use a good lubricant – silicone ones are my favourite – and take things slowly. When (and only when) you feel ready, transfer your new found skills over to your bloke. If you still are dry, make an appointment with your GP, who may suggest sex therapy.

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